Diary of a Funeral Celebrant: Happy New Year!

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We all know that the god Janus, associated with doorways and after whom the month January is named, was two-faced, which enabled him to look backwards and forward simultaneously.

Few people I have asked about their holidays have wanted to celebrate 2016, but surely we need more than ever to celebrate when life has been tough for us? That is what holidays are for; they give us respite from our grief and remind us that life contains fun as well as rigour. It is easy to wish our time away and look to this new year in an attempt to leave the pain of loss behind, but the future is unknown territory; we have no way of knowing that it will prove any easier, and, in truth, 2016 was not ‘bad’ in and of itself; difficulties are a part of life, as is death.

We have just finished watching Harry Potter for the umpteenth time. I’m always struck by the scene when the dying Snape begs Harry to harvest his tears. These yield a story that reveals him as one of the most maligned characters in fiction and his tears enable Harry to see the truth about the past, witnessing his father’s shadow side, and, too late, that poor old Snape is a true hero of the story.

Formerly Harry’s most un-favourite teacher, Snape has tried desperately to teach the youngster how to defend himself and to face up to his weakness when dealing with his his own shadow side; this happens to be the dark lord himself, who threatens to destroy him. Eventually Harry confronts his own mortality, but however dark this story, there is a seam of love running beneath the pain, interspersed with the constant humour in the bickering between his best friends and the pratfalls of everyday life that underpin, and are as important as, the drama.

Tears are healing when they are genuine, enabling us to accept the pain of the past, without glamorising it and allowing ourselves to to become victims. We can simultaneously learn to maintain our integrity, refusing either to blame others for our own faults, or ourselves for the weaknesses of others. Snape is not wrong to refer to James Potter as “a swine”. We are allowed to call a spade a spade.

Sometimes it’s not the sadness of loss itself, but our isolation from those around us who don’t understand our pain, which hurts the most. Officious, uncomprehending call-centre employees; a rude GP’s receptionist; even friends who advise us that we have grieved enough after a few weeks or months because they find the truth of heartbreak hard to understand or deal with themselves. Harry becomes friends with Luna, because she, like him, has experienced loss firsthand and can see things which others without their experience are unable to see. The others are not to blame; they are simply ignorant of the results of loss themselves.

The truth is that we never replace the love we lose at the death of a partner or family member, because they themselves are irreplaceable, but we can take their love with us throughout life. Harry is scarred at losing his parents and he is instantly recognisable by that reminder of his loss, but it is also an emblem of his inner strength and the love that outlasts death.

At this threshold to 2017 let us keep the love of our lost ones in our hearts as we take the lessons we have learnt from our pain; with them we are more than capable of facing the future.

Happy New Year!

Karen Steel, Celebrant

www.karenlaurasteel.co.uk

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